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Marville 4
(Linkara is on his futon without his coat repairing the back of Pollo's head with his sonic screwdriver) Linkara: If you don't stop fidgeting, we're never going to get done here. Pollo: I'm not fidgeting. My hover-skirt is turned off. (He puts Pollo down and looks up to the camera) Linkara: 'Oh, hey, everybody, and welcome to ''Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. Needless to say, the last time we saw each other, things got a little crazy. So, I took some time off to finally finish one of Pollo's three new bodies. '''Pollo: But it is not the combat one to my irritation. Linkara: You just want to be able to shoot me whenever you want. Pollo: And what exactly is wrong with that? Linkara: Anyway, transfer complete. (pulls up an awesome new body of Pollo) How do you feel, dude? Pollo: It is roomier, I'll say that. It's going to take a bit of adjustment for me to get used to. (Pollo tests his arms by moving them up and down) I still don't have working arms. Linkara: That's still gonna require more complex design work, and I figured this would do in the meantime. Pollo: You've had one job. One job. Working arms. Why is that so hard? It was even in the blueprints that I had working arms. Linkara: Look, I've been so busy around here, I don't even what we're supposed to be reviewing this week. (pulls out a piece of paper listing the next review) Okay. Um, "Marville #4". (Linkara realizes this and gives a disappointing look) Pollo, get the booze! Pollo: I can't. My arms don't work. (Opening titles play, followed by title card with "If You Can Only See" by Tonic; once again, like all the Marville episodes, we cut to Linkara's futon, but Linkara's not there. A bottle of alcohol is slammed on the futon, and a hungover Linkara struggles to get up on the futon) Linkara: (groaning and slurring) What did I do with myself last night? (He discovers a ''Gosei Power Releasement Vessel Tensouder on his other hand)'' Linkara: Is this a new morpher? Whatever. (he puts the morpher down and struggles to position himself on the couch) Oh, hey everybody. Uh... give me a second here. Marville, you know. (he feels something in his coat pocket and pulls out a Dino Buckler) The hell did I get this? (he gazes again at that device) Metal. Linkara (v/o): Let us once again enter the scummy diseased carcass of a comic series that is "Marville". Well, that's a bit of an exaggeration. I mean, for it to be a carcass, it would have had to have been alive at some point. So, I suppose you want a recap for the three issues, right? Linkara: "But wait, Linkara! Wasn't that the hologram of you who reviewed the third issue?" (takes off his glasses and leans to the camera; speaks softly) It's not that big a deal! Just relax! Or, I don't know, I review the footage of the third issue. There got that done. (leans back to put his glasses on) Pollo: (offscreen) It's not a big deal for you, perhaps. Linkara: Shut up! Linkara (v/o): Previously on the "Marville" reviews, Bill Jemas decided that there was too much joy in the world and thus attempted to get rid of it by creating a comic that sucks joy out of it and then incinerates it. In the future, Ted Turner and Jane Fonda decide to send their son Al back in time to save him from a catastrophe that actually wasn't a catastrophe. There, he somehow managed to get rich by stopping the same criminal over and over. He is joined by a taxi driver named Mickey and a police woman named Lucy, both of whom hang out with him for reasons that are never clear. Lots of people are parodied, but in ways that are not very funny or just kind of confusing, all in an attempt to be a general spoof of superhero comics. However, in the third issue, that went right out the window in favor of telling its story with all the dialogue printed on the sides to make it as difficult as possible to read it. The parody was discarded in favor of a more philosophic approach and, using a time machine, Al decided to go back to creation to meet God, who is actually named Jack, but he waffles whether or not he's God. During a LOT of questionable science, including depicting grass in the early days of life on Earth – even though, from what we can tell, grass only evolved on Earth after the dinosaurs died out – there was a lot of stupid debate about the nature of God, whether God really existed, and how sucky it is that molecules have to die. MOLECULES!!! Linkara: Dear Lord, just thinking about it again has caused my head to hurt. Look, people were quick to point out that plants really do constitute life-forms to a degree, and so I don't have the answers there, but MOLECULES? Really?! Tell me, do atoms and particles have feelings and I should be sad about the poor molecules that had to die every time I get a haircut?! Linkara (v/o): So, where did that leave us? Well, with them deciding to take the time machine to... Jurassic Park. Linkara: So, you might think that was just a stupid joke... and it was, but you see, I'm not convinced that Bill Jemas knows that was such a thing as the Jurassic PERIOD. Let's dig into "Marville #4", and I'll show you. Linkara (v/o): The cover is actually the best of the bunch so far, featuring Mysterious Redhead Cover Lady bashing a velociraptor's head in with a club. She's still in a bikini, but as we'll see in the comic, that's actually pretty accurate. Less accurate is that it looks like it's torn from a larger garment – which it isn't in the book; it's just the women in their underwear. Otherwise, a woman beating up a velociraptor, I can get behind. (The comic opens to the usual recap page) Linkara (v/o): So, let's see how they screwed up their own story in the recap page, shall we? They seem to have finally realized that Al is not in love with Mickey and never has been. However, they also show the picture of the time machine being sent BACK to Al, when they note that Ted and Jane sent their son back in time. (reads text in dramatic voice) "At the moment of Creation, Al and his two friends Lucy and Mickey meet a young man named Jack (who may or may not be God). He takes them on a trip through time so they can witness the emergence of life on Earth." Linkara: (dramatic reading voice) And they needed to be naked during this, or else it just ruins the whole thing. Linkara (v/o): "But they still can't figure out if life is random or created by design". (normal) Annnd no period at the end of that sentence, despite all the other sections ending with one. (Because Poor Literacy Is... It's Marville. Poor literacy is the least of your problems.) Linkara (v/o): "Throughout evolution, they witness life emerge from death. Jack tries to explain that all life is a cycle, but the girls are unconvinced." Linkara: Yeah, they're kind of idiots like that. Linkara (v/o): "Jack decides to take them to Jurassic Park." Linkara: (reading voice) Unfortunately, he didn't have a Netflix account and thus only had access to Jurassic Park 2. Linkara (v/o): We open outside the time machine, where Al is setting coordinates, while Lucy, Jack and Mickey are sitting and looking bored. I know the feeling. Al: Jack, how many years ahead do I set the time machine? Jack: 150 million years BC -- Jurassic Park. Linkara: Yeah, that's what I mean. (holds up two fingers) Twice on this page and once on the recap page, it's not referred to as the Jurassic period, but Jurassic Park. Linkara (v/o): If it's a joke, it's not funny; if it's serious, then Bill Jemas is an even bigger idiot than I thought, and so is his editor. Al: I can't set it to a date, I have to set it for some number of years from now -- got it? Linkara (v/o): Well, that's a stupid user interface for a time machine. How the hell do you set it for a precise day, then? And we know they've done so. Nope, can't spend another week living in another time period. No, no, you get a lazy afternoon, or else you risk losing time at work. Al: So how many years from now is Jurassic Park? Jack: God knows. Linkara: While that is a stupid exchange in and of itself, it's actually very indicative of the fact that Bill Jemas doesn't know what time certain dinosaurs lived, as we'll soon see. Al: I know exactly where we are. We are in exactly the same place where my house will be. Get it. We haven't moved. Linkara (v/o): Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So that means that when Ted Turner sent the time machine back to you in issue 2, Mickey's apartment is located in the same spot that Ted Turner's house will be? Al: I just don't know when we are. Linkara: Just a little pet peeve of mine: I hate it when, in a time travel story, the characters ask, (looks one way, in one voice) "Where are we?" (turns to look the other way, in another voice) "I think the question is, when are we?" (groans in frustration) It's an annoying cliche. The date of your events can be considered part of the (makes a "finger quote") "where you are". It's not clever, it's irritating! Linkara (v/o): By the way, you may have also noticed that the art style has reverted back to the way it was in the first two issues, and we actually have dialogue balloons again. Some might say that's a good thing, since we can actually read the damn thing now. I say that's a terrible thing, because we can actually read the damn thing now! Mickey: Al, is your stupid Marvel shirt waterproof? Al: It's not stupid. Linkara: (holds up one finger) One, yes, it is. (holds up two fingers) Two, he hasn't worn that thing since the first issue, and he didn't bring it with him. Why are you asking? Linkara (v/o): Well, the answer is that somehow, they manage to stretch Al's jacket enough – the jacket that he didn't bring with him, I might add – so that it resembles a garbage bag, scoop up some cells from the water outside, and... well... here's Mickey's plan... Mickey: Just set the time machine fast forward-- like 50 million years per hour. Linkara (v/o): Okay, I think you mean, "set it to fast forward"... not that a time machine would operate like that. It's not a frickin' VCR, even if it is made out of PlayStation and Atari parts. Al: How do we know when to stop? Mickey: We watch our biological clock. Linkara (v/o): (angrily) THAT IS NOT WHAT A BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS!! (Cut to a clip of ''Dragonball Z Abridged)'' Freeza: God, it's like you just use words you hear randomly to try and sound smarter! (Cut back to the comic again) Lucy: The water is full of the first animal microorganisms. Let's watch them evolve. Linkara: (scarcely believing what he's reading) WHAT?!?!? Linkara (v/o) Behold our next step into stupid, for you see, the microorganisms are evolving into shellfish as the time machine moves, and eventually, they transform into a fish and an amphibian. (stammering) I– I don't– WHAT?!? Okay, first of all, why is the time machine affecting things inside of it like this? If it can cause animals inside of it to evolve rapidly, why aren't the humans evolving?! Hell, how is evolution even occurring at all?! Evolution is simply a fancy way of saying "adaptation"! If their environment doesn't change, why is the thing becoming a complex life-form, like how others of its kind are developing OUTSIDE the time machine?! Evolution is not something CODED into our DNA! Fish did not have humans inside of them that they would eventually change into! THEY WERE FRICKING FISH!! And don't tell me it's because God is in the time machine, too, because shut up. Lucy and Mickey once again argue about mutation and whether this is all because of a plan or because of random chance. Now, some of you would say this is an interesting theological argument that could be in a comic book. I would say sure, but remember that this is the guy who thinks Jurassic Park is what the period was called, and thinks the way to set the coordinates for the DeLorean is to look at a shellfish and wait for a shellfish to evolve into a dinosaur! Oh, yeah, there's another evolution screw-up: individuals do not evolve, at least not in the sense we're talking about here. SPECIES evolve, over time! Not a single being! (Cut to a clip of the ''Star Trek: Voyager episode "Threshold")'' Linkara (v/o): This comic thinks the Star Trek: Voyager episode "Threshold" was scientifically accurate. Oh, what, don't know that episode? That's the episode where a guy goes to infinite speed, and when he stops, he transforms into a lizard, because evolution dictates that mammals in the future will become non-sapient lizards. It's also a top contender for the worst Star Trek episode ever in case you're wondering. Not that you were, but that's because your brains are still trying to catch up with how asinine this comic is! (Cut back to the comic again, where the shellfish creature has now turned into a dinosaur) Linkara (v/o): Oh, yeah, and the evolution of the creature stops when it becomes a duck-billed dinosaur. The exact species name eludes me*, but I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to have the kind of teeth that it has here. Also, its name is Snorts, according to Jack. Also... IT CAN TALK! *NOTE: Snorts is a Hadrosaurid, but one with teeth, apparently, as the comic shows and Linkara had pointed out. Snorts: Duckbills have the most elaborate voice boxes in the history of the planet, what did you think we do, quack? Linkara: (glowering at camera) I only have one question: how does it know it's called a duckbill, if ducks don't exist yet?! Linkara (v/o): They exit the time machine and... Snorts runs off, Jack proclaiming... Jack: Welcome to the Jurassic Age. Linkara (v/o): I'll get back to that in a minute. However, because the dinosaur has run off, Jack tells them to stay there while he pursues. Congratulations, we have now begun every Doctor Who plot ever. Al: What's the big deal? Snorts looks like he can fend for himself. Lucy: We should find him-- he's just a baby. Linkara: Yeah, a baby with the power to speak fluent English and know things that it could not possibly know! Linkara (v/o): Al suggests that he ran off to join his family. Al: Remember we're still in the same spot we got the water from. If Snorts sprang from the water, so would more Duckbills-- it just stands to reason. (Linkara glares silently at the camera again, then cut to another clip of ''Dragonball Z Abridged, once again with Freeza)'' Freeza: That's stupid! You're stupid! Stop being stupid! (Back to the comic again, sadly) Linkara (v/o): Mickey points out why that's moronic, but then again, just remember, microbes that evolved into fish and then into dinosaurs, so it's a little late to bring sense into this! (Cut to a clip of the two panels of "Marville 2" with a tall building appearing behind Kingpin Lanes in the second panel that wasn't there in the first) Linkara (v/o): Oh, and remember the sequential dumbassery from issue 2, with that building that appeared behind the characters that wasn't there in the previous panel? We've got that again. (Back to the current issue again) Linkara (v/o): Al says not to turn around and just walk slowly with him, and the next panel shows them completely surrounded by Hadrosaurids, even though they weren't there before. Lucy tells them to remain still, but Mickey decides it's better to run, even though, as Lucy points out, the things are herbivores. Moving slowly and away from them would be the right thing to do; otherwise, you'll startle them and cause a stampede, which, shock of all shocks, it seems to. They climb a tree, reasoning out that they can't climb, but then the pattern of ridiculousness continues by having the dinosaurs using tools, in this case, logs, to wedge the tree into the nearby river and force the three up against a wall. However, before the duckbills can end this nightmare and spare us any more of the comic, Snorts and Jack return, with Snorts telling the other duckbills not to hurt them. Hadrosaurid: They're strangers. Snorts: They're friends. They are part of the tribe. Hadrosaurid: Mishbucha. Linkara: (rubbing his forehead) Okay... get this: "mishbucha", and I'm pretty sure I'm mispronouncing that, is a Hebrew noun that means "family". That means the duckbills are not only intelligent enough to use tools and speak... but they're Jewish, too! Are we sure we're not still in the parody comic? (Cut to Linkara putting on a blue coat; he looks to the camera with a startled look) Linkara: Oh... You caught me in between costumes here... Uh, we'll be right back. (He walks off as the AT4W logo appears, and we go to commercial; upon return, we see Linkara again taking off his blue coat and replacing it with a silver one) Linkara: Uh... Qapla' or something. We're back. (the AT4W logo appears in the corner) I'm running out of costumes! (Back to the comic again) Linkara (v/o): (about the Hadrosaurid that said "Mishbucha") And yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the meaning of the word they're going with, since the duckbills then invite the three into the family, and Snorts explains that, to duckbills... Snorts: ...you are either family or you are an enemy. Linkara (v/o): Mickey says that seems a bit primitive – which may seem odd, considering they're, you know, fricking dinosaurs – but given everything else we've seen... Jack: Think about it, Mickey-- modern man is pretty much the same. Linkara: (looks up in thought briefly, then becomes annoyed) No, it isn't! Mickey: I'm not going to kill somebody just because they are not part of my family. Jack: You would eat them too. Mickey: Bull. Jack: You eat bulls, cows, chickens, pigs, turkeys, not to mention all the plants you killed for crudites. (pronounces it "CROO-dites") Linkara (v/o): (mumbling) Cru-di-tay...? I dunno what that means... Mickey: I'm talking about humans. Jack: That's the point-- humans are in your tribe, so they are the only thing you don't eat. Linkara: Yyyyeah, that's a load, if ever I heard one. It's a gross oversimplification of human relationships, or even the relationships between animals and humans. Linkara (v/o): Human beings interact with each other on multiple levels, for different reasons, be that of familial love or even just an act of compassion. Likewise, there are people we hate and want to see dead or see justice for or even have indifference towards. Do we place the value of human beings over other forms of life? Yes, but we also don't want specific harm to come to other species, either. We're not assholes! That's why there are preservation societies or endangered species lists to begin with. Shock of all shocks, we're capable of feeling a wide range of emotions for a WIDE RANGE OF THINGS! Jack: And by the way, Duckbills don't kill Duckbills. Snorts: What? Don't tell me that humans kill other humans. Linkara: Oh. We're doing this now, huh? We're doing the (mockingly) "human beings are so awful because we kill our own people" thing, huh? We're going into 1950s B-movie "aliens passing judgment on humanity" thing? Bill Jemas wants to indict our happy little species? (smiles smugly) Okay, asshole, I'll play. Linkara (v/o): Sure, humans kill each other. We kill for passion, madness, rage, love, war, and Lord knows other things. And yet, we've got six billion people running around the planet, almost as if people who kill other people ARE THE EXCEPTION rather than the rule! And don't tell me animals never kill their own. Animals are frickin' DICKS to each other, whether it's the cuckoo bird that kills off another cuckoo bird's children so that the new one will try to raise them, ant colonies that go to war with one another and enslave other ants into them, or even mountain gorillas who will kill another one if it wanders into their territory. (Cut to a clip of ''Scrubs)'' Dr. Cox: Should I talk slower, or go get a nurse who speaks fluent moron? Linkara: In other words, take your self-righteous, moral-aggrandizing, holier-than-thou attitude, and CHOKE ON IT, (holds up comic) along with this comic! Linkara (v/o): So, enough lecturing. Such "profound" wisdom was too much for Lucy, who just wants to sit and relax for a bit. However, they are suddenly attacked by a group of what I presume are supposed to be velociraptors. The other duckbills arrive and say they'll protect them, which makes me wonder why the duckbills can talk and not the raptors. And by the by, they do refer to them as "Raptors", and we do get an awesome shot of a duckbill kicking a raptor in the face. Nice! However, some of the raptors manage to get a hold of some of the baby duckbills... I think, because the coloring seems to swap out the brown raptors with the green duckbills and makes me wonder what just happened. Lucy says they have to save the kids who were taken, but a duckbill says the kids taken are already dead... making her sad. Aww, it's a pity this scene doesn't make any real sense. Hey, kids, it's science time! Duckbills, or Hadrosaurids, were common in the CRETACEOUS Period, not the Jurassic. The velociraptors seen here are more in common with the ones featured in Jurassic Park movies, but sorry to tell you, those were actually inaccurate, altered to more resemble a Deinonychus. Now, it's forgivable that they don't have feathers because they didn't get proof of that until 2007, but that's not the only problem here. Both duckbills and velociraptors did inhabit the Cretaceous Period, but Jack specifically states that they're going to the JURASSIC Age, 150 million years ago, not the 80 million years ago that the two species existed. In addition, Al stated earlier that the time machine "has not moved". They're still where the house is going to be in the present. However, unless Al, for no reason whatsoever, decided to move to frickin' MONGOLIA, I don't think they're going to find any velociraptors. Why? Because velociraptors were pretty much found in ASIA. Now, Deinonychus remains have been found in the United States, but they existed in the EARLY Cretaceous Period, not the same time as velociraptors and duckbills! Linkara: What I'm getting at here is that for a comic that's supposed to be "smart" and being all "intelligent" and "philosophical" and crap, perhaps it's not best to be schooled by a fifth grader's science project. Linkara (v/o): Later that day, and for no reason whatsoever, everyone is in the water in their underwear. What, NOW they have modesty? Mickey asks Jack why the duckbills are so damn smart when they have brains the size of a walnut. Good question; here's a stupid answer... Jack: Duckbills use all of their brains, you only use 10% of yours. (Cut to the obligatory shot of the obligatory "Superman At Earth's End" panel...) Hitler Clone: Of course. Don't you know anything about SCIENCE? Linkara: Oh-ho-ho! Spreading that old chestnut, eh? Yeah, for those of you who don't know the "we only use 10% of our brain" thing? That's a myth! In fact, human beings use pretty much all of their brain, and most of the time it's awake, every part of it is really damn active. Linkara (v/o): Want some more spoonfed nonsense? Jack: The other 90% has yet to be programmed. Mickey: Programmed? Jack: Well, not technically--I should have said coded into your DNA. But it is like computers in that it doesn't have an operating system yet, so it can't run any software. (Cut to the ''Mystery Science Theater 3000 gang watching The Wild World of Batwoman)'' Crow: It's like we're smart, but we're not! (giggles) (Back to the comic, sadly) Lucy: Our brains developed way in advance of our ability and need to use them. Mickey: That's impossible--that's not how evolution works. The only genetic changes that persist are those that help you survive in the present. Lucy: No, and the fish feet prove it. Linkara (v/o): What they're referring to is something I skipped over earlier: seeing fish who developed arms and legs several million years before they actually went out onto land. I don't have the answer to why that is, but it's probably not what Jack says here. Jack: Listen, it would be a disaster if humans used all of their brains--Einstein got 20% more and he accidentally drew the roadmap that led to nuclear weaponry. Linkara (v/o): Aside from the previously disproven 10% bullcrap, Einstein wasn't the only one working on nuclear weapons. Someone would have figured it out. Linkara: And you're kind of undermining your own argument because Einstein was a good guy, implying that if everybody had access to that kind of mental capacity, none of us would be assholes! Mickey: Okay, what is God waiting for? Jack: For scientists to realize that they should do things on purpose. (Cut to Dr. Linksano, who is reading this comic) Dr. Linksano: "ON PURPOSE"?! Hey! How about I test and see how FLAMMABLE the comic is (makes "finger quotes") "on purpose"?! (waves dismissively) Bah! Linkara (v/o): They spot a sea mammal and, for no reason at all, decide to check it out, discovering that its children are the next generation of a mutated species. Mickey: Otter? Jack: Yes, the pop is an otter and so are the pups. Linkara (v/o): By this point, you shouldn't be surprised, but sea otters only go back about five million years or so. How is that Power Rangers features gravity and breathable air on the moon, and yet I trust the science of that show more than this comic? Anyway, Jack points out that creatures like the otters will survive the asteroid that's coming within the next hundred years or so that'll wipe out the dinosaurs. Al is upset because apparently he didn't know that the dinosaurs would become extinct... because if the previous issues weren't an indication, Al is kind of a moron! Al: You must do something. Jack: I can't stop an asteroid. (Cut to a clip of ''Star Trek V)'' Captain Kirk: What does God need with a starship? (Back to the comic) Al: God should do something! Linkara: (as Al) We should do something! (as himself) Should we do something? (as Al) We should do something! (as himself) Should we do something? Linkara (v/o): Snorts is naturally bummed that, you know, his entire species is gonna get wiped out, and wants God to give them an evolutionary advantage that will help them survive. But Jack says the dinosaurs just don't have the spines that mammals do. SERIOUSLY. Jack: These mammals have very powerful and advanced little furnaces in their rib cages. To stabilize those organs, their spine movement must be minimal, and it's all in one direction. Snorts: I understand-- dinos can't be warm-blooded, because of our skeletal structure. It would take a thousand generations to change that and a thousand more to develop a warm-blooded metabolism. Linkara: (facepalming himself at the sheer absurdity of it all) Bill Jemas... you make science CRY. Linkara (v/o): News flash: body temperature, and whether an animal is cold- or warm-blooded, has nothing to do with the spine, or, in fact, with bone structures at all! Bill Jemas, you are a GODDAMN IDIOT, plain and simple!! Okay, they decide to bring an otter with them who will act as their new "biological clock", whose evolution will dictate how far ahead they need to go. Mickey wants them to do it slowly so they can see what happens when the asteroid hits. Al: The destruction of 99% life on Earth. I vote for fast forward. Mickey: I hear you, Al, but I want to see what happens. Jack: Not going to take my word for it? Mickey: Jack, I'm not so sure you even exist. (Cut to the ''MST3K gang watching The Undead)'' Mike: I am Nimrod from the future! (Back to the comic again, sadly) Linkara (v/o): As they watch the animals die off – and apparently the asteroid was within spitting distance of the time machine; don't ask me how it's protected from the effects of everything around them – Al decides to speed up, since he can't stand to watch everything die off. The land becomes covered in ice. Al: What's going on in the ocean? What about those huge dinos that lived in water? What were they called--Pterosaurs? (Linkara stares in stunned disbelief, then raises his finger in the air; to a dinging sound, a shot of a real pterosaur, appears in the corner; Linkara then slaps himself on the head) Linkara (v/o): So, mammals and fish survive, with sea mammals evolving into dolphins and porpoises. Lucy: Yeah, I can see how their spines move. Sea mammals evolved from land mammals, not from fish. (Cut once again to the ''MST3K gang, this time watching The Mole People)'' Mike, Servo and Crow: (in unison) SHUT UP! (Cut back ''again to the comic – it's almost over)'' Linkara (v/o): As small horses begin to evolve, Mickey, Lucy and Jack are pleased. Al, however, is Captain Frownypants. Al: I can't dismiss the horror of it all. Those wonderful, smart, happy dinos. They are all dead and gone forever. (Cut to a clip of ''yet another video, this one a Rifftrax video on Beginning Responsibility: Broken Bookshop)'' Bill Corbett: Wanting things to live forever, a common desire of non-insane people. (Back ''AGAIN to the comic)'' Jack: Al, if you could only see things the way God does... Linkara: (singing in a deep voice) If you could only see the way He loves you, then maybe you would understand... (points to camera) Jack: ...you would know that they are all still alive, because we keep their memories alive within us-- within the community of living things. Linkara: (as Jack) Yoda– I mean, Snorts will always be with you. Al: So Jurassic Park wasn't just a movie, it was a tribute. Linkara: (irritably) No, dumbass, it was a movie! (becomes confused as he tries to make sense of their logic) Or do you mean Jurassic Park, as in the Jurassic Period that you guys keep screwing... OH, JUST SHUT UP! Lucy: Right, and the paleontologists are ancestor worshipers. Linkara: (angrily as he cradles his head) OH, DEAR GOD, SHUT UP!!! (glowers at camera) Mickey: Could you be more annoying? Linkara: I didn't think so, but then "Marville" found whole new ways to do it! Linkara (v/o): Mickey still thinks everything is random, while Lucy argues the fish feet theory of everything waiting to be programmed. Lucy: That's like Hamlet. Linkara: I think it's more like Macbeth: "A tale told by an idiot. Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." (glares) Lucy: Do you believe a million monkeys with a million typewriters could type Hamlet? Linkara: (more than a little annoyed) THE FUNK AND WAGNALL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!? Mickey: Sure, give them a million years. Lucy: Okay, then could they type out the genetic code to create Shakespeare? That's only 100 million times more complex. Linkara: (at a loss for words) I... I have no idea what they're doing anymore! Th-The monkeys, and the typewriters, and the... (stammers some more, then gives up, nonplussed, as he cradles his head again) I'm just gonna play the Simpsons clip. (Said clip is the infamous scene from the episode ''Last Exit to Springfield, involving Mr. Burns' monkeys typing on typewriters)'' Mr. Burns: (reading what one monkey typed out) "It was the best of times, it was the BLURST of times"?! You stupid monkey! (Burns crumples up the paper and throws it at the monkey in question, causing it to cry out and shriek; cut back, sadly, to the comic) Linkara (v/o): Jack interrupts and says it's time for their next stop: seeing the origin of the first human being. Also, the time machine must really be a TARDIS, considering how much room they seem to have in it. Lucy: How do you know it's time? Al: (wide-eyed) He checked out our biological clock. Linkara (v/o): I think Al's brain is checked out. Seriously, look at this artwork of his face. (Cut to a clip of ''Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me)'' Austin Powers: (cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. (Back to the comic one more time) Linkara (v/o): And so, our comic ends with the four looking at the otter, though we don't get to see what it is, aside from a speech balloon. Otter: (sounding suspiciously like Wolverine) Check this out, bub. I'm about to make my first appearance. Linkara: (smiling) That's right! They're implying that Wolverine is now with them! (suddenly becomes angry as he snaps the comic shut and holds it up) THIS COMIC... AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (The cover of the comic, showing the redhead lady clubbing the dinosaur, is displayed again) Linkara (v/o): JUST... '''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! WWWWHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!' '''Linkara:' (scowls at comic, then stares at camera) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (throws comic aside, gets up and storms off) (Credits roll) I'm sure somewhere along the way I screwed up the scientific factoids, but I'm pretty sure that no matter how far off I was, I was still closer than Bill Jemas was. So, yes, we now know the answer of what God needs with a starship: he can't blow up meteors without one. (Stinger: Linkara is seen again, this time with Pollo up and running again) Linkara: And hey, I've also finished up Pollo's ground body! Pollo: A-R-M-S! You could give me a thousand laser guns, and all I would want is functioning arms! (Linkara rolls his eyes and shakes his head) Just give me some arms and I'll be happy. I'll shut up about wanting arms. (end) Category:Content Category:Guides Category:AT4Wguides Category:Transcripts Category:Marvel